Fandom Weirdness The Conclusion (it sucks)

When last we left poor Karen Hintz, she was stuck in a self named publisher’s diner being bored to death by the sexually ambiguous Mary Sue. Fortunately, the tale comes to an end-or what passes for one in Pacione’s mind.

        “They drew from Nicholas’ life for ideas.”

Well that explains the unrelenting boredom of their tales. We all know he has no life.

“Nicholas encouraged real person fiction writers to draw from his memoir and blog for ideas. He said he would publish an anthology of these writers just to break them out there.”

“Nicholas Cicerone, I heard of him. I read some his nonfiction in a few small press magazines – one disturbing individual because you can’t believe that the horrific things he relates are real,”

Disturbing because of how they’re written, more than the content.

stories relating his horrors dealing with his health, acute cases of bronchitis

Yes, never mind cancer, Alzheimers, or the flesh eating bacteria-it’s bronchitis that’s a scary ass mofo. I wonder if the CDC is aware of this.

        “A.J. Poe drew from the inspiration of the disappeared writer from the bloody pulps, Robert Blake, from the short story Haunter In the Dark by H.P. Lovecraft.

Apparently not even his characters have original thoughts either, and have to ape far better works.

        “H.P. Lovecraft,” Karen replies with a chill down her spine.

This is the 6th mention of the illustrious writer, and not one appropriate use.

        “He was influenced by the books Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark

I wish I was under the influence, even though I quit years ago. This may make me start drinking again.

“He was first published when he turned nineteen years of age on his birthday

As opposed to when he turned 19 when it wasn’t his birthday?

        “The world of fandom is a dark, frightening thing

Not as frightening as having to read this drek for eternity.

        The waitress walked in listening on to the narrative.

The nosy waitress returns! Super power of listening to a conversation she’s not close enough to hear! I can’t even get my check without waving semaphore flags.

        “Writers in fandom will write just about anything,

Case in point, Fandom Weirdness.

 Michael commented as he spoke to the waitress while she graced her black fingernails across the fanzine.

Yeah, just let that sink in.

        “Mrs. Poe why yes – she did an actor story featuring the ghost of Vincent Price haunting Old Hollywood

Dammit, leave Price out of this! Have some decency!

They said nothing as they exited the diner.  Just were left behind with experiences of horrors beyond their surreal nightmares

What? That’s it? They talk and leave? 6200 words and all that happens is indigestion?

Well, fear not, for coming soon is my own take on all this silliness, entitled “The Day Lloyd Campbell’s Mama Came to Town”.

28 thoughts on “Fandom Weirdness The Conclusion (it sucks)

  1. Scott, I don’t know how up you are on Lovecraft lore but every time Nicky mentions Robert Blake I have to shake my head in amusement. In the story The Haunter in the Dark Blake didn’t disappear, he was in no uncertain terms stone cold dead, his body was found and even underwent a coroner’s inquest. Just another example of Nicky’s piss poor reading comprehension.

    Fantastic job on your summary, I might have to do some drinking for the both of us though 😉

  2. Scott, I don’t know how up you are on your Lovecraft lore but I personally just have to shake my head in amusement every time Nicky brings up “the disappeared writer from the bloody pulps, Robert Blake”. Blake didn’t vanish, the story opens with us being told he was dead, his corpse being explicitly described, and a coroner offering his opinion, the character is without any doubt dead as a doornail. Now I personally have no problems when writers change the mythos lore from what was presented in Lovecraft and his circle’s original tales, but it has to be done for a reason integral to the story, otherwise it’s either a mistake or being just plain disrespectful to the original material. In this case it’s most likely Nicky failing to have actually read the story he referenced or his piss poor reading comprehension has struck again.

    Any way congratulations on an entertaining summary and I’ll have a drink or two for you tomorrow night, because at least one of us needs it after the exposure to Nicky prose.

    1. Lewis, I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not up on my Lovecraft lore-he’s not been an author I’ve ever been inspired by, though I do like the mythos he created. However, I had read that story but forgotten he was dead as the story opens.

      The fact Nicky even screws that up doesn’t surprise me-he can’t even get facts in his actual life straight.

  3. I want so badly to tack a decent ending onto this. I think I shall!

    As Karen and Michael were exiting the diner, the doors suddenly flew open and Kung Fu-fighting Ninjas flew through, each armed with a sword in each hand. They eyed Karen and Michael with savage bloodlust. Leading the brigade was Chuck Norris. “Tonight we dine in hell!” he screamed as he roundhouse kicked Nicholas Cicerone.

    The End

    1. Piss off you overrated fandom wank. I don’t see you trying to write a horror take on creative nonfiction. I like to present the gauntlet for would be contributors, by not allowing sexual content I gave them a brave new world of subject matter. One author took me up on the challenge of toning it down for the second namesake. I am the only small press publisher with the distinction to have books in a museum. And they are fully enjoyed by the staff of the museum. You are just an overrated amoral bitch who became fast friends with the first woman I dumped my cum into when I was 21 years old. I remember when she was supportive of my work, when she decided I sucked is when we broke up.

      1. Sexual content is not the issue. The fact that you write like a schizophrenic chipmunk is why you don’t sell anything to legitimate markets. I’m going to submit a story to the Fossil Lake anthology, making you a fantasy/horror target. Enjoy the way I kill you in print. Tuckerizing is so very satisfying.

      2. “Piss off you overrated fandom wank.”

        I don’t mean to sound rude here, but have you actually taken a look at my body of work? The Mrs. McGillicuddy Mysteries, The Nick Englebrecht books, The Sasha Strange Chronicles, The Horrorotica Collection, Anti-Heroes, The Kaiju Hunter, The Scorpion, Plus a number of projects I’m not yet at liberty to talk about. Exactly what part of all that is “fanfiction”?

        “I don’t see you trying to write a horror take on creative nonfiction.”

        I have no idea what that means. I write horror, SF, Steampunk, YA, New Adult, Dark and Urban Fantasy. You know, stuff that actually sells. I’m not sure what you’re writing.

        “I like to present the gauntlet for would be contributors, by not allowing sexual content I gave them a brave new world of subject matter.”

        Congratulations! I like writing about sex, straight, bi and otherwise. I think it gives readers excellent insight to a character’s personality to see what his or her sexual life is like. Plus it’s hawt.

        “You are just an overrated amoral bitch who became fast friends with the first woman I dumped my cum into when I was 21 years old.”

        And you wonder why no woman–or man–will date you.

      3. I’m looking forward to more Nick Englebrecht books. Nicky, you can take a lot of lessons from Karen. Not only does her writing span multiple genres, it’s all well written.

      4. What Karen said. We write — AND SELL — plenty of other stuff besides fanfic. When you can’t even see that, how do you expect anybody to take you seriously? Just making yourself look more and more the petulant, wrong-headed brat.

      5. No I dumped your ugly ass when I got tired of you telling me you love me one minute, then fuck you the next. I got tired of your verbal abuse and sheer stupidity and your running around on me with underage girls.

  4. Oh my, the prose is painful!
    Nicky should pack it in already and do something that he’s actually good at, whatever that may be.

    1. I am not going to pack it in Sonja I was trying a different approach when I wrote Fandom Weirdness. I was trying to write a story using my submission guidelines I presented to see if it is can be done. I’ve been published for my horror fiction, science fiction, and dark creative nonfiction respectively. The editor of the magazine who published my third nonfiction credit had read a work in progress version of my memoir and I asked her if she took nonfiction. The creative nonfiction piece she took also appeared in my magazine — it was my best dark creative nonfiction piece and it was the first one I wrote that hit 5000 words. The story that became that story is in Dirty Black Winer. So if you are telling me to pack it in — piss off and go back to reading your faggot romances.

    1. He gets that every Saturday night in any case. the only rent boys left who’ll go with him are the ones who are already diseased.

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